I-Newsletter Archives - Self Connections
What Would You Tell Yourself?(October 2009)
A father gripping to life, grimacing from pain. A son makes it to his side and has 20 good minutes talking him through his last moments on earth, helping him “feel” more human and alive than ever before. The grimace turns to peace. These are moments the son will cherish and hold dear forever.
A mom in and out of hospitals for months, the roller coaster of illness and recovery, two steps back and hope seems to fade, again. Final decisions. Resignation to the inevitable. The final hour with two daughters sharing stories with mom. A last breath.
Those moments will always be remembered, played over and over in their heads as they fall to sleep or drive down the road or sit idly on a Sunday afternoon.
But if we had to have that conversation with ourselves, if we were whispering into our own ear, what would we say? Would it start with “I wish,” or “I could have,” and possibly “I regret.” If we reflect on this self conversation a bit, perhaps we’ll be inspired to not just think it, but do it.
What we tell ourselves every day defines our existence, the way we show up, the legacy we leave. So what would you tell yourself? No need to whisper!
Sometimes life hits you in the face to wake you up. Sometimes a few gentle nudges show up and after the third or fourth one, you may recognize the message coming at you. Yes, the economic reshaping of our world and our lives is causing some dramatic reprioritizations, but how deep does that go? Is cutting back on dining out and cable really causing a shift in your life priorities? Perhaps not as life-shifting as a challenging diagnosis, a divorce or a death. Even those, however, take time to learn from, to get your bearings, rediscover what matters and move forward with your life.
Perhaps we’re forever on a journey of reprioritization. Whoever has it right? I remember a Phoenix businesswomen saying “at different times of your life, there are different priorities.” There is, I’ve learned over the years, no such thing as balance. Instead it sort of reminds me of the scene in the movie National Treasure II where Nicolas Cage’s character and his fellow treasure hunters are having to maneuver on top of a large underground platform that dips and moves if the weight isn’t distributed ever so perfectly. If they make a mistake, they fall to their deaths. They had to work together to find the balance, but then they had to upset the balance to save their lives – one by one.
Life seems a bit like that right now. Sometimes you’re teetering, sometimes you’re up. Sometimes you’re down and hoping for a boost. All the while having to re-evaluate what makes sense for you.
So why don’t we take a lesson from our business lives and incorporate it into our overall juggle. I’m going to get out the sticky sheet, fill it full with life stuff – kids, family, work, lots and lots of personal stuff and responsibilities and try and get clear. Is there a place on there that says “change the world?” Maybe there’s no capacity for such big aspirations at the moment. Yet in trying to clear the clutter from my physical life, I came across a saying that was that wake up call:
In the end, each of us will be judged by our standard of life, not by our standard of living; by our measure of giving, not by our measure of wealth; by our simple goodness, not by our seeming greatness.
So get out your sticky note – get the list going – circle the top three things you need to focus on now. One should be yourself. Take care of “you” and the rest will be better served. Try to just focus the list on the next 3-6 months, but not longer than a year. Then visualize what your life would like after that reprioritization. I hope it doesn’t mean you ”added more friends on Facebook!” Real life impact is where it’s at.
Author Winifred Gallagher wrote in her book Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life how our lives become fashioned by what we focus on. And if we were to look back over the past decades, we’d likely be able to see that. If we refashion what we focus on, Gallagher suggests, we can reframe our lives. What’s going to be inside your frame?
Extra food for thought: Check out this website - http://www.intent.com
Thinking Big – Take the Challenge (May 2009)
I was recently gathered around a table of no less than 10 amazing, hard-working committed individuals trying to save lives and change the world of homelessness and poverty. There is no doubt that they have a daunting task during these tough economic times. They’re working hard just to keep the doors open. We can all appreciate that. Even years ago when I was working with downtown merchants during "better times," they were equally overwhelmed and focused on "that day" and how much the cash register was ringing. Thinking beyond "the moment" is sometimes very challenging…and takes enormous courage.
But because of the enormity of the change we are going through and because of the uncertainty of what lies ahead, I submit that to do things the way we’ve always done them could lead to more shuttered businesses, homes and lives. It’s not only time to think out of the box, it’s time to get a new box – maybe one that’s round and symbolizes the interconnectedness that is both real and required for our success. The idea of partnership in unprecedented ways; the idea of embracing new people, new collaborations, new thinking, new paths to take us not only where we want to go, or think we want to go, but to places yet unseen.
It’s time to have a "thinking big" revolution. And it has to start with each one of us. This is a self-development mantra first…and then it pokes and prods and ripples out from there.
I recently read a marketing blog where I got turned on by a book recommendation. It led me to "The Think Big Manifesto" by Michael Port. After I shared the idea with a few friends, they shared it with others and the next thing I saw was an entire group of people committing to read the book and chat about it.
That’s good, but the book isn’t so great. So let me share some of the highlights here to save you a few bucks, but still welcome you into the "thinking big" fold.
One of the ideas behind Port is looking to do through this is to galvanize, catalyze and energize others. That’s good. Let’s not be timid adults when we walk up to a puddle of water. Let’s remember our courage and curiosity as children and jump into that water with both feet. So you get wet. Big deal.
This time of economic woes and scary headlines, empty lots and stimulus stories is a time to act and act boldly. No more waiting. No more incremental steps. Remember the word bodacious?. And we can do it through collaboration and cooperation and aligned visions and finding common ground.
We only reach what we aim for…so aim high.
Why is the country’s fifth largest city just now thinking about becoming a leader in the green movement? And how is it leading all its businesses and organizations and neighborhoods to join in the effort? The promotional pamphlet looks nice, but many of the focus areas are already in place or in play. What’s new, innovative? Who are the "new players" at the table along with the old standard bearers? What’s stretching our thinking and our boundaries? And why do we continue to allow our elected legislators to stand in the way of innovative solar energy initiatives to help in this effort, along with a long overdue need to diversity the Arizona economy? And what about the debate on education? Why is it that education is on the cutting block when any local or global CEO who spends their time in the real world will tell you we are losing ground in competing not only locally, but globally with a subpar education process.
Why did I recently drive to Tucson for an Arizona Town Hall focused on transportation and was never given an opportunity to carpool, especially after reading the first 10 pages of the pre-conference report touting how we’re running out of resources? Why were we debating ways to pay for more highways when we’re running out of fossil fuel? Why were we not thinking about innovation? Why were we provided bottled water that requires more water and petroleum to make versus just sticking with the hotel’s water jugs and glasses sitting on the table?
Just as we are charged and challenged to think more ecologically in our daily endeavors, so too does the thinking big revolution call on us. It’s a way of life. It’s a stream of consciousness. It’s a filter through which we view our every thought and experience.
Port says "true collaborations are give-and-take. True partnerships are founded in equality. Equality does not equal sameness. We don’t’ all bring the same skills or resources to the table, but we all bring something and we all need something."
And it starts with self reflection and self courage. Why else would this concept be placed under our "Self Connections" heading? Because thinking big starts with YOU. You can be the change agent for your company, for the group you belong to, for the new business concept you want to start, for the volunteer team you’re a part of. You can sit around a table and "poke" people to find the courage they need to change the world. Do it on Face Book, twitter it…whatever it takes.
Be a big thinking warrior. Unless you are completely satisfied with your life and the world you live in, it’s time to join the revolution and break out of the box.
Hungry for more? Check this article out for some big thinking on freeways.
When We Need to Just Say It (April 2009)
I believe "say what you need to say" are some of the most profound words recently spoken, or sung as it were. Singer/songwriter John Mayer hits the mark about what often stands between us and the important relationships in our lives in the song titled the same.
Even if your hands are shakin'
And you faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closin'
Do it with your heart wide open
A wide heart….say what you need to say.
How many times have we wished we would be courageous enough to say words that undoubtedly would bring us closer to a family member, let someone pass on knowing you shared your "peace" with them, or simply didn’t let the opportunity for love or friendship pass on?
I’ve noticed recently that a few of my friends are saying what I think they need to say. They’re telling me they love me. Is this the new iteration of the friendly hug? Did it catch me off guard? Yes. Am I okay with it? Yes. And it’s taught me to tune into Mayer’s lyrics in a new way.
Then along came last month’s Holistic Intimacy retreat. Thanks to my good friend and wise teacher, Sevak Khalsa of The Elevation Institute, the dimensions of Mayer’s message were opened up. He told the amazing story of how he got to the hospital in time to have “20 minutes in his dying father’s ear.” The thought gave me goose bumps. It even made me scared. Can you even imagine what you would say to someone in the final 20 minutes of their life?
But I think the lesson we can take from this is not to ponder that moment, but instead the moments we have between now and then. Why wait? So when Eileen or Beth tell me they love me when they sign off a phone call or voice mail, I’m going say what I need to say right back to them. I’m going to work hard to connect with my courage and authentic feelings and say just a few more important things every day. I know I’ll feel richer for it.
Remembering Who You Are (March 2009)
By Sevak S. Khalsa, renowned Yogi, teacher, artist, businessman, founder of The Elevation Institute
It seems like every time we turn around there is someone there to tell us how to go about ‘finding our self’. We’re told we need to ‘look for our self’ as if each of us somehow gets dressed and set for our day without looking into a mirror or moves through life without catching a glimpse of our reflection in a storefront or car window. The point is, we’re always there.
Looking outside for what already exists inside is perhaps the root cause of suffering in today’s world. You are taught from early on that you are not “enough,” however you’re all you’ll ever have. Every woman already has all of her eggs at birth. Every man has about 10 trillion cells and try as he might, he can’t make any more even though they replace themselves every three days! What we are is clear. Human beings start to finish. Who we are is a different matter.
At our very core we are incredibly sophisticated beings, individual spirits having a physical experience. We have the capacity to thrill or extinguish our senses and subtlety. We have one corpus, six senses, three minds and nine holes. Who we are depends entirely upon what we do with this body and these senses, how we apply our minds and what comes and goes through our nine holes, each act being an expression of who we are.
Life has a life of its own and who we are depends upon our ability to flow with it. Swimming with the movement of life today can be challenging at best. We hear a constant buzz about the pressure of the times, the uncertain future and the underlying hope for change.
If you want to succeed and serve in today’s world, moving from your center point, your axis of being, gives you the very best opportunity. Remaining steady and poised is critical. It is easy to get lost in our mind as it serves our spirit to navigate the experiences of life. Remembering who you truly are - a spiritual being beyond circumstance and commotion - is the path of happiness we all have a right to travel.
You can’t control what the flood of life delivers; however you can move yourself inside that flow. You can connect. Most importantly you are blessed with the ability to decide how you respond to life’s circumstance. Your unique capacity as a human being is to be able to apply your intelligence and determine how you will respond to the ever-changing flow of your life. How you feel is up to you. You have everything you need to feel good about your life. If God could have made a better you, she would have done it.
Here are a few tips for remembering who you are and claiming your birthright of happiness.
Our job as human beings is to be so full of happiness and joy that it overflows into the life of others. There is nothing and no one who can make you feel happy. Others can help create the opportunity for you to feel joy; however the feeling is up to you. Be active, be passionate, be enlightened and lighten up.
The universe kisses you with breath 16 times a minute and unceasingly beats in your chest. You are special and loved and valued and the orbit of your life would not be the same without you. Remember that. There is nothing more intimate than your relation with your “self.” Smile and be happy; it’s your birthright. Claim it.
Blessings and Joy
Sevak S. Khalsa
Creating Magic: Let your Inner Houdini Out (January 2009)
"It's not what happens to you, it's how you choose to react to you." "It's not what America does in times of prosperity and growth, but in times of challenge and uncertainty."
These are just a few themes and concepts that have been tossed about in the recent days, weeks and months; ones that can prove to be the difference between living a life of stress and anxiety, or one of hope and peace.
Decisions you make, patterns you break – especially when you're confronted with challenging news or turns of events - can lead to magic in your life – so says blogger Nazzia Malik.
To make this possible, she notes, you must first "believe." And second, we must be the magician of our own lives so we can maneuver through life's inevitable difficulties.
A few magical steps to ponder:
And what would be a magical life if not one filled with love. Spend time thinking about it, finding ways to bring it to everything you do – yes, even at board meetings or family conversations. But even consider it in your every day interactions at a store, driving through traffic, stopping to take in the world around you. Anything done with the intent of love behind it simply has to be magic.
Interested in a little more inspiration?
The topic of love relationships keeps coming up in the IC world and we keep
recommending the
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Simply understanding the love language of your partner can be transforming.
Finding Your Superpowers (October 2008)
How many of you are in touch with your “super” powers? I’m not talking about the “super ex-girlfriend” of the Hulk down the street. I’m talking about those amazing powers you have that you simply choose to not “see.”
At a recent gathering of a few dynamic Valley women, the conversation ensued about how we all see things through a variety of lenses, and that perhaps women, most of all, don’t give themselves the credit for the talents they really have. We struggle with lack of self esteem, lack of confidence and feel like we have to prove ourselves – an ongoing self-worth drama that many people struggle with. It’s a self inflicted roadblock that smothers out the superpowers and plays up the limitations we seem to put front and center.
So in an attempt to discover our uniqueness, everyone was asked to write out qualities that they admire in those locally and worldwide (sensitive, creative, spiritual, intelligent, sexy, entrepreneurial, passionate, true to their values) that we’d all like to have. Once we reviewed them and discussed them a bit, we all agreed there wasn’t a one of them that we all couldn’t or didn’t already posses. Yet all of us, okay, most of us (because there’s always that one in the group that marches to a different drum) don’t give ourselves credit for the talents that lie within. And if we don’t understand or tap those talents, then how can we ever pursue or understand our life’s purpose and mission?
So despite the super powers we know we all claim, the ones we feel when we’re doing something that makes us feel the most free – when we’re on top of the world – we carry baggage. It’s baggage that we grew up with, picked up along the way, or just starting loading on ourselves. Either we choose to own it or we head to the dump and get rid of it.
As the evening progressed, there were a few suggestions that may help with your own “dumping:”
End your day by going over three things that were awesome about that day
Tell your inner child to put on the boxing gloves and move forward
Trust your path and trust that what you’re doing is meant to be.
Consider the lens you look through. Could you simply change the lens you use to see a different “you,” and a different “life?”
Life coach Martha Beck wrote the following in a recent article on this concept: “A joyful life isn’t about others; it’s about the brightness that is associated with being alive.”
In acknowledging, embracing and owning our superpowers, we will find that joy, and the hero’s quest that awaits us all.
It’s Not November, but it’s Time to be Thankful (August 2008)
When is there time to be grateful? How is it even possible when so many challenges are facing so many people around us? Perhaps we’re staring at a few bumps in the road ourselves. So how do we move forward, through, around and over roadblocks to achieve satisfaction and happiness? Perhaps it’s all in how we choose to respond.
Consider how two people respond to the same circumstance – a car accident for example. One person gets anxious, worked up and loses sleep. The other reflects on the situation as certainly not being ideal nor one they wished for, but they are grateful no one got hurt and realize dealing with the insurance and car repairs are simply a temporary inconvenience.
We hear about tragedies striking people all the time like the young teen surfer who’s arm was bitten off by a shark. She has not let it stop her for a minute. In fact, she’s morphed the horrible incident into an opportunity to inspire other kids.
Perhaps it’s about coming it at if from a perspective of gratitude. Why wait for the holidays? Why not wake every morning with the reflection of gratitude for all that we have, all that we are and all that lies ahead of us in that day? Studies have shown people who are grateful are more positive, more satisfied with their lives, share more, are more helpful and place less importance on material goods. What a concept as we look to do our part to sustain our communities and earth.
Here are two simple steps to gratitude that might help:
Take a half hour to sit down with an empty jar and some small pieces of paper. Write out one thing you are grateful for on each sheet of paper, fold them and place them in the jar. Keep going until you run out of things to write. Leave the jar in your bathroom, in the kitchen next to your coffee or wherever you might see it every day, and incorporate reading one of those slips of paper into your morning ritual. Reflect on that item throughout the day. When you run out of slips of paper to pull out, add more. You could even do this as a family and have a slip of paper pulled at evening dinners and let everyone share what they think of when that night’s item was read.
If this doesn’t work for you, keep a gratitude journal. If you do this before bed, even scribbling something out as you brush your teeth will close your day with a reflection of the more positive aspects of your life.
And don’t forget to tell those around you how you are grateful for them. A kind word goes a long way.
By the way…I’m grateful to all of you who read this labor of love – our I-newsletter!
The idea of happy, at least to me, is elusive. I think that’s because it’s relative and ever-changing depending on where you are in your life. In fact, sometimes life gets so overwhelming that we’re too afraid to let on. I hear it from my sister, a physician, who shares that the most frequent issues people come to see her for are not aches and pains, but stress, heartache and anxiety. The solution? Many preach a lifestyle of simplicity. But simplifying takes a lot of work. Do we have the bandwidth to take that on? Or do we keep ignoring things and let “life” pile up?
Despite the piles, here are some ideas for enjoying the journey – which goes on each and every day despite the calls to return, hundreds of e-mails, task lists and opportunities missed.
Life has yin and yang. There are pleasant and unpleasant things in life. Realizing it just “is” can sometimes take the pressure off. Yes you’ll be late, be off target, say something stupid, lose a job, miss a family gathering, not deal with something until it costs you in the long run, and the list goes on. Unpleasant happens so pleasant can and vice versa.
Be open. Take notice of the things around you. There are opportunities for happiness but you may not be looking with an open mind. Is it the sunset that you often overlook, the hug of a child, a kind word from a friend? Keep those eyes wide open. Consider the abundance of things around you. If you think the glass is full, it is.
Take time out. Sometimes it seems impossible. We’re working harder and longer than ever. But perhaps you can mix up your habits/schedule to work a “time out” in. This could include a walk to a different lunch spot or a stroll while you’re on a cell phone call. Setting aside one day just to rest, think, ponder. Think about how you can press your own “pause” button a few times a week.
Connect to your family and friends. Relationships are fundamental to our good feelings. Consider what you’re thankful for in a friend or family member and tell them. Do it once a week. Or just go visit. It’ll do your mind good, not to mention your heart.
Go Nature-al. Kids and adults are suffering from nature deficiency disorder. (Check out Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv). Instead of plopping in front of the TV when you are tired, consider a stroll around the block to catch up on the day. Yes, it’s getting hot in Arizona, but there are moments in the morning or early evening to enjoy what mother nature has to offer. And sweating out all the toxins we’ve taken in from everything else we do is well worth it.
Be thankful. Expressing gratitude for the good things you have in your life can be a powerful action. And practicing expressing that to others often can be habit forming. Not only will you make others feel good, you will find a similar good feeling overcome you. This practice makes you come across positive, joyful and happy and will increase your chances for more people to be attracted to you…which means more opportunities for joy await you.
Sustaining Thy Self through Authentic Leadership (April 2008)
What is your personal mission? What is your authentic self? What is your leadership fiber? We never said we were going to ask the easy questions. Neither did Brian Bacon of the Oxford Leadership Academy at his recent Self-Managed Leadership program here in Phoenix. The Girl Scouts–Arizona Cactus-Pine Council brought him in to guide individuals through these and other tough questions in order to transform their inner leader.
So did it work? I was impressed. It hasn’t stopped me from making mistakes …as I have in the past month or so. But the way I worked through them to understand the “big learnings” staring me square in the face was dramatically different than before. Does this mean I'll stop making those mistakes? When Passover Pigs fly. But, there were some key takeaways from the sessions featuring the popular Mr. Bacon. (now do you get the pig joke?)
Mother Teresa was smart. Brian told a brilliant story about her. Here’s the reader’s digest version – if you want to change your people, you have to know them and love them. If you don’t understand them, you won’t get the trust, the change or the love back. No power, no passion. So give the love.
A leader must focus and execute. There are fewer things that make a bigger difference. And can I vouch for that. Focus, focus, focus. Where did I put my binoculars?
Mr. Bacon calls it a “full stop moment.” Suffice it to say, it’s a little bit of a quiet moment, meditative, setting your intention…as they say in yoga…and becoming a detached observer. (The experience makes understanding the concept much simpler. But trust me, it’s a powerful tool to put in your leadership toolbox.)
A leader never reacts. A leader observes and then acts.
What’s better to have – strategy or character? If you have to think about that, start over.
Before going into a difficult conversation, think about what your real intention is for the talk. Who are you and what do you really want?.
Leaders need to look out for the iceberg. Not what you see on top at your company, but what lies below the surface. That’s where the influence is…the currents of the culture, habits, attitudes and traditions of your group, business or organization. The currents are powerful!
Interesting tidbit: more people belong to nonprofits or NGOs now, than political parties. Cool huh!
Patterns. Oooh. I liked this. What is it that you habitually do – as an individual, as an organization? How do those patterns lock you into a way of handling or not handling things? If you changed one pattern that would offer you the most profound change in your life, what would it be?
Where your energy goes; life grows.
When you walk into a meeting, a day at the office, or even a family chat, consider what you can “give” to the conversation instead of what you can get. Shift your frame of reference.
Create a sense of purpose in your organization that is beyond the product or service you provide. As a leader, it’s your job to do that – create that purpose and engage the people around you in that purpose. Even if you make burgers, remember what Mother Teresa said - love your people. So consider how to help your burger flippers leave a day at the grill a better member of your team, and society, than when they arrived.
What is it that we expect of people? Do we imprison them with our own expectations? Lots of talk about how rats…and people will perform to your expectations. So if you change your expectations, then what? The power of your intention or the way you see things will be the reality. Could it be that easy? I’m working on it.
Organizations don’t change at the top. They change in the middle. Leadership should engage the middle and align at the top. So does this mean the same can be said for individuals? More ab work, perhaps? Crunch away.
And finally, the last thing to share from
my time with Mr. Bacon, is a bit of mirror, mirror on the wall. Stand in
front of the mirror and who do you see? Are you the person you want to
be? If yes, congratulations!
If the person in the mirror does not reveal your desired purpose and
value, take some time to explore why not. Reflect on how you see
yourself at work, with your family and in just daily life. Where do we
belong? Where (or how) do you find the security to take risks, to take
on life by stepping out of our comfort zones?
Once we know our purpose and our true intention…then we can align to our authentic leader within.
To read more about the Self Managed Leadership course and theory, visit the Oxford Leadership Academy.
What Can You Give To Get What You Want For The Year Ahead? (December 2007)
The idea behind “self connections” is that you can’t be as successful as you possibly could be unless you have a strong connection with yourself – understanding who you are, what motivates you, moves you, matters to you…and so on. But despite thousands of books being available on this kind of topic, and all the seminars, retreats and other options out there for us to consume, I wonder if we’re making any gains here. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve heard others share some similar thoughts – thoughts of feeling unsettled, being unsure, wondering. Maybe it’s because of current world affairs. There’s a strong feeling of work to be done, new directions to take. And I think we’re trying to figure out where we fit in all that…and how we can help.
Even Oprah wrote in one of her “What I know for sure” columns that “every day the path to your own spirituality starts with clarifying who you are and what you want.” Isn’t that a huge task to take on every day? And that among a constantly changing world around us with more choices and decisions to make than we’ve ever faced before. In fact, on an outing to Costco a few months back, I found myself staring down an aisle filled with jumbo packs of items towering high into the cavernous building’s reaches. A sick feeling came over me. It all just felt overwhelming. The “excess” just didn’t feel right. I haven’t been back since. So when Oprah says “what do you want” she’s not talking about things, but “stuff that really matters.” Ponder this thought that she shares – “Life isn’t just about what you can have; it’s about what you have to give.” (I’d like to be able to give away cars too! Hybrids, of course.)
What do you have to give? I think I’m going to chew on that for 2008. Instead of planning to lose weight, eat better, work harder, work smarter, and be with the family more, how about considering planning for the new year this way:
What can I give to myself to provide for more health and wellness next year?
What can I give to my work
that will help my business, my clients, my company, my boss and my
colleagues collectively improve?
What can give to my family or myself that will support our individual and
collective needs?
What can I give to my community, my world so that tomorrow is better than today – for someone or something?
First step…answer the questions. Second step, act on it. It will be a happy new year for all.
Was Your Day Full Enough or Unfulfilling? (September 2007)
I usually get full before I finish an entire meal and pleased with the prospect of having leftovers for lunch the next day. But when I end a day and haven’t been able to accomplish my list of goals, I feel very discouraged.
If feeling positive about a leftover plate of food can happen without a second thought, what are some ways that we can let unfinished business roll off our back and be thankful for the work we did accomplish?
Personal Growth expert, Mike Robbins, discusses the power of appreciation in his article titled “Discovering Everyday Gratitude: How to Live a Life Filled With Appreciation & Enjoyment.”
Every time Robbins presents a speech or seminar on appreciation, he asks his audience: “Have you ever had something taken away from you only to realize how much you appreciated it after it was gone?”
He then goes on to tell the story of how he was a young and aspiring baseball player when he blew his arm out. His career was over and in retrospect he realized that for 18 years he worked so hard that he forgot to enjoy the game.
I can apply this example to much of how I approached life even as little as six months ago. With factors in my personal and professional life straining my ability to concentrate and complete a project in my usual near record time, I realized that in addition to my attitude being a drag, so was my physical body language. I was sounding a lot like Eeyore.
Then one day I came home and something clicked. My two beautiful girls greeted me at the door. I got down on the floor and let them smother me with their love! By the time we were done with our cuddle fest, I vowed to stop moping, start smiling and enjoy my girls – and all the little things in life - as often as is possible. I want to be able to reflect on these years with joy. Keep reading to learn some practical strategies from Robbins to lift your outlook on life.
The Power of Appreciation on Your Life
What if we stopped this negative obsession and started paying attention to what and whom we appreciate, right now?
Imagine how this simple but profound shift in focus could transform our lives, our families, our relationships, our careers, our work groups, and more. Our life experiences are functions of what we pay attention to. Each and every moment we have a choice to where we place our attention.
I am not advocating that we deny, avoid, or run from the challenges, issues, or even the pain in our lives or around us. It is important that we are able to confront, face, and deal with these difficulties. However, we don't have to obsess about the bad stuff and let it run our lives. We each can consciously choose to focus on the good stuff in our lives, with others, and most importantly towards ourselves.
There are great things happening in your life and around you all the time. You interact with amazing people each and every day. And, this is only "true" if you choose to recognize it, acknowledge it, and live it through your thoughts, words, and actions.
Here Are My Top 5 Principles to Living a Life Filled With Appreciation and Enjoyment:
Be Grateful - Focus on the many blessings in your life and all that you have to be thankful for.
Choose Positive Thoughts and Feelings - Make a conscious decision to transform your negative thoughts and feelings into ones that empower you.
Use Positive Words - Pay attention to the words you use with others, about things, and in speaking about yourself. Speak with the most positive words possible. Our words have the power to create, not just describe.
Acknowledge Others - Focus on what you appreciate about the people around you and let them know. Be genuine and let others know the positive impact they have on you and your life.
Appreciate Yourself - Celebrate who you are, what you do, and the many gifts and talents you have. Self-appreciation is not arrogance. It's an awareness of your own power and it's the key to self-confidence, success, and fulfillment.
There's a saying, "argue for your limitations and they're yours." Instead of that, what if we celebrated the good stuff around us, in others, and in ourselves? When we focus on this good stuff, our world transforms and we are able to see and experience the GREAT FULLNESS of our lives.
We don't have to wait until everything is handled. We don't have to wait until we get it all perfect. And, we don't have to wait for people to do things exactly as we want them to. We can start appreciating life, others, and ourselves exactly as we are, right now.
Don't wait 'til it's too late!
It’s interesting…many of us have likely heard this advice before, maybe several times. But we’re human. Behavior is hard to change. With enough reminders or a suggestion phrased just the right way, a new path may be paved. It is the journey…not the destination. Repeat that…often!
All Wrapped Up in Attitude, Gratitude and Oxytocin
(August 2007)
- by Louann Phillips
As usual, it seemed as if my head had just hit the pillow when the morning alarm went off. Soon the morning was in full swing – a baby that’s ready for a bottle and diaper change and an older child wanting breakfast and to wear a clothing item that isn’t clean. Lunches still need to be prepared and I’ve got to squeeze in a shower in the next 10 minutes. We get out the door in the nick of time, but as I’m racing to the freeway, I realize I did not bring the dogs inside. With temperatures set to reach 114, I must turn back. After dropping one child at her summer camp at 40th Street and Baseline and the other at her grandmothers way out on the west side, I manage to arrive three minutes ahead of my first appointment of the day…whew!
You may not have to worry about changing diapers or driving just under the radar in the morning, but I’m sure you can relate to having more tasks on your calendar than there are minutes in the day. Some of us also can add health issues, family discord or financial strain to our list of daily challenges. As we prepare to head into one of the busiest seasons of the year – the holidays – Inspired Connections would like to share some stress reducing self care tips from Dr. Kathleen Hall, an internationally recognized stress and work-life balance expert and the founder and director of The Stress Institute.
While many of these tips may sound basic, we thought it would make good sense, perhaps even serve as preventive medicine, to practice one a week. Pretty soon, these tips may become habits. And hopefully, even the few minutes you take to read these tips will provide enough rejuvenation and energy to keep you going through your busy day.
10 Secrets to a Stress-Free Life
Start small. Don't overwhelm yourself with big changes. Alter one small thing -- a morning habit, a food choice. Over time, these will add up to the intentional life you crave. (Gee, I bet carving out five extra minutes in the morning to make a smoothie would make me feel a lot better than skipping breakfast!)
Connect. Put love and friendship first in your life, scheduling dates with others as you would doctors' appointments. Connection may help improve heart health, prompt the release of the stress-relieving hormone oxytocin, and allow you to sidestep the health risks of isolation. While you're at it, get a pet -- you might further reduce stress and ease depression. (Though it’s more time on the road, the weekly gatherings I have with my parents and sisters ARE worth the good feelings I get from our time together!)
Focus on now. Rather than disperse your energy with multitasking, take one job, one person at a time. The more mindful you are, the quicker you can stop stress and turn yourself around. (This really reinforces the need to put down the cell phone while driving.)
Write it out. Release stress by getting negative feelings out of your body. Pick up a pen and write down your thoughts. (Even writing a letter to a distant friend or a thank you card can make you feel better.)
Practice gratitude. It's hard to feel gratitude and stress at the same time. Devote five minutes a day to giving thanks for all the gifts in your life -- starting with your breath, the source of everything. (My friend practiced random acts of kindness with the parking lot attendant or security guard she’d see during her daily routine. They were so pleased with the recognition of a job well done, that it had my friend feeling good for a week or more.)
Walk softly. When we're stressed, we tend to hit the floor hard with every step. Imagine you're walking on a lotus flower -- tenderly, gently. Unplug through your feet, and you'll calm down to a more tranquil mental place. (Remember what they say in yoga – your practice is how you live, not just what you do when you’re on the mat.)
Try a mini-meditation. Memorize a three-to-five-word phrase, a mantra, that will bring you back to center when things get rough, such as "I am strong" or "Spirit will guide me." Also, keep a peaceful image mentally on hand (a beach scene, a quiet forest) to call up in stressful moments. (I like to take a mental vacation to the cool countryside of Scotland to reset my thoughts.)
Take stock. Make a list of things that bring you joy -- and another list of things that drain your energy. Do this 10 minutes daily for a week, and then review your lists and see how your own life matches up. (And then figure out how to get rid of the list of things that drain you…including people who pull on your energy.)
Love your commute. See your travel time as a chance to cultivate patience and compassion. If you can use calming breaths to stay relaxed and unruffled in traffic, you can handle anything. (I should know, I’m traveling through metro Phoenix all of the time. But it is what it is, and I know that we are simply part of the flow.)
Own the news. Change the way you approach the bleak information you get from the media. Don't shy away from knowing the facts -- apathy can prove as damaging to your spirit as stress or depression. But use what you learn to become part of the solution. Send light, positive energy and prayers to those suffering, while finding tangible ways to get involved. You're in a position of power and control. Embrace the media -- look at it and use it as your classroom. (As hectic as my days seem to be, I always make time to read the daily newspaper. It is my window to the world – and my community.)
This is a reprint of an article that appeared in the March 2007 Body + Soul magazine.
Yoga: Stretch to Connect With Your Inner Self
(July 2007)
- by Mary Beth Markus
Yoga has become very popular over the past few
years for many reasons: greater physical strength and flexibility; balanced
mental and emotional stability; an enhanced level of energy; and for
relaxation. But truly the main benefit of yoga is a greater connection with
your inner self which ultimately affects every aspect of your life.
As the director of a Valley yoga studio and an instructor since 1982, I have
seen transformations occur. When students come into the center for the first
time, generally they are looking for a way to reduce their stress, and
develop strength and flexibility. Once they decide they enjoy the Yoga
practice, what they come to realize is that the practice has helped them
develop a deeper relationship within themselves and, as a result, their
lives begin to reflect this experience in many ways.
Your relationship with yourself determines how you think, act, and interact
with the world around you. It is the basic factor that governs the quality
of your life. When you can find a deeper more connected place within
yourself, then you will begin to experience less fear, fewer worries, and
more enthusiasm for life and become more effective in all of your choices.
This is not the easiest task when we face a society that does not encourage
our inner connection, but rather has us look to outside sources on how to
live our lives socially, economically, emotionally and religiously.
However, through the practice of Yoga, we learn to draw our attention back
into the depth of ourselves to our own natural way of living. This process
of realignment generally begins in a mental/physical way. As instructors, we
teach individuals to feel their body’s sensations, to listen to their
breathing, to observe where their body is holding tension or hurting. Once
they enhance their awareness of their body, we then use specific yogic
techniques of breath, movement, relaxation, and meditation to support the
mental, physical, emotional and spiritual connection.
Fixing a broken heart
One day a woman, I will call Susan, came into the center to take an Intro to
Yoga course. Susan was friendly and polite. She complained of upper back and
neck tension. It was evident from her posture, which was somewhat
round-shouldered and compressed in her chest, that this was one of the
causes to her neck and back pain. As Susan progressed with the practice, we
introduced her to yogic breathing techniques. This is one of the greatest
tools to calm and integrate your mind and body. By following the course of
the breath into the body we encouraged her mind to draw inward and to
observe what the experience was at hand. Then we guided Susan through slow
conscious movements and postures following the natural rhythms of her breath
to unlock layers of physical and mental tensions within. As the stressful
parts of Susan’s body released, she uncovered greater levels of energy and
clarity within herself. As it turned out, Susan had recently divorced and
the pain of the experience had caused her to close her heart, rounding her
shoulders forward to protect her broken heart. After a few months of the
yoga practice, Susan found a new, lighter and brighter place within herself
to live. Her pain and poor posture disappeared and a renewed gratitude for
her life unfolded within her. She developed a radiant strength in her
posture and beautiful loving heart. It was a joy to observe her
transformation.
Our bodies reflect what our minds and emotions experience. Through the Yoga
practices of breath, movement, meditation, and relaxation, we connect to the
depth of our being that is pure, natural and loving. It is in this intimate
inner experience that we connect to the ‘divine universal presence’ of all
that is. We become more expansive and loving toward ourselves and one
another. The boundaries, judgments, limitations and self doubt disappear
because we know at the core of us is “Yoga” or “union” with all of life.
Mary Beth Markus is the Director of Desert Song Yoga and Massage in
Phoenix Arizona and has been practicing yoga since 1979, instructing since
1982, and developing and training yoga teachers in Phoenix since 1991. The
center, centrally located on Camelback and 7thStreet, has been in the Valley
for more than 20 years connecting individuals and groups to the healing and
healthful benefits of yoga and body work. You are invited to visit
www.adesertsong.com.
Five Steps to Getting Over Yourself and On With Your Life
(June 2007)
-by Jenn Kaye
Have you ever noticed that life just happens?
It just does. And yet we spend so much time trying to control what happens
in our lives, micro-managing how it happens and then telling everyone else
what they should do to control and manage their lives that often we miss the
point of what we are actually experiencing in ours.
The question is, why do we expend so much energy trying to control things we
really have no control over? At the end of the day, isn’t it just
exhausting?
Life is actually quite simple.
We have two choices in any given situation, circumstance or event. We can be
a victim and believe that things are happening to us, that we have no
control over our situation and blame others for the injury we have suffered.
Or, we can start taking responsibility for our own lives, our own thoughts,
our own words and our own actions and decide that regardless of the injury,
we are going to live life on our own terms, powerfully.
In our society, we are supported, encouraged and even rewarded for being
victims. And yet, does being a victim ever feel good? Not usually. Being a
victim tends to make us feel weak, vulnerable and powerless. And these
feelings in turn can lead to depression, frustration and uncertainty.
The difference between taking responsibility for ourselves when life throws
us a curve ball versus being a victim of a situation, is that we become far
better equipped mentally, emotionally and energetically. We stop allowing
energy vampires to suck the life out of us, and rather than feeling
powerless, depressed and frustrated, we are able to experience our situation
as an opportunity to test our super-powers of strength, positivism, clarity
and focus.
If you are sick and tired of feeling frustrated, drained, like you just
can’t get a break, and are ready to get over yourself and on with your life,
here are a few guidelines for living life on your own terms.
Stop blaming everyone else
Seriously, stop it. Stop giving your power away and blaming others for
what is, or is not, happening in your life. Your life is not anybody
else’s fault and people are not doing anything to you.
What you are experiencing is not somebody else’s fault. They may have
had a hand in creating an uncomfortable experience. YOU are the one who
gets to decide how it goes from there.
Your Life is Your Responsibility
How do you feel about your life right now? Are you frustrated with work?
Do bad things happen frequently to you? Is physical or emotional pain
keeping you from fully enjoying each day? Are you overwhelmed with so
much to do that you procrastinate doing any of it?
So, what are you doing about it?
“Stop expecting the world to rescue you. The Lone Ranger is not coming.”
Larry Winget
There is no magic pill or knight in shining armor on a white horse
coming to take you away or make all of the discomfort disappear. YOU are
your own hero. You want control of your life? Then take the
responsibility for it.
How you feel and what you think is reflected in how you speak (in the
words that you use), and manifests itself in your world around you. Own
your feelings, be truthful with yourself and be willing to face reality
squarely in the face so that you may make decisions that empower you and
bring you joy.
Things are not always as they seem
No matter how much we think we know, we don’t really know everything. We
all base our experiences on our own perceptions which have been colored
through our own lens of past events and observations, and may or may not
be the full truth of any situation.
In Communion with God, Neale Donald Walsch writes, “Please temporarily
give up any previous notions you have about God & Life…it is not about
abandoning them forever, but of merely setting them aside for the
moment….to allow for the possibility that there may be something you do
not know. The knowing of which could change everything.”
While we spend most of our lives accumulating knowledge so that we can
determine our values and beliefs and live accordingly, the truth is that
there is an entire world of experiences that exist beyond our knowing.
Everything happens for a reason – even if we do not know what the reason
is at the time. Keep an open mind and be willing to allow for that which
you do not know. Sometimes the truth is far better than you ever could
have imagined.
Acknowledge your feelings
Feelings are simple, really. We like things that make us feel good –
love, affection, romance, acknowledgment. We don’t like things that make
us feel bad – frustration, anger, sadness, hurt.
Of course, if we didn’t know what one felt like, how would we recognize
the other? How could we know if we were in a good mood if we didn’t know
what it felt like to be angry, upset, etc. The feelings we don’t like,
we deny them, stuff them or rationalize them away. We do anything we can
to avoid really acknowledging them and hope that it limits our
discomfort.
Here’s the thing – feelings, pain and discomfort (physical, mental or
emotional) are like a little kid pulling on your pant leg to get your
attention.
If you have kids, you understand. If you don’t, go spend a day with a 3
or 4-year old.
When a child wants your attention, they do not really care what is going
on in the rest of your life at the moment. They are not maliciously
trying to upset you. They are attempting to bring your
awareness to a situation that needs attention.
Once you give them your full, undivided attention, they feel
acknowledged and heard, and move on to greater adventures with more fun
until the next time.
Feelings are exactly like that! They are designed to increase our
awareness of our experiences and help us determine how we want to live
our lives. Acknowledge them as they come up and remember, tears are
nothing but a little bit of water.
Say what you mean
In challenging situations, are you more concerned with wanting to be
‘nice’ then saying what you’re really thinking? Are you afraid if you
say what you really mean someone else might be offended, hurt or feel
discounted?
Saying what you mean doesn’t mean you’re a jerk and being nice doesn’t
necessarily require saying more. When we default what we’re really
thinking and feeling for the sake of being nice for others, we
compromise ourselves. (Come on, be honest, we’ve all had those moments
after a situation where we’ve kicked ourselves and come up with at least
3 responses of what we should have said).
Try this: Take a current situation you’re having challenges in
communicating around. Write out what you want to say. Now see if you can
write that same explanation or communication out in 10 words or less.
Eliminate the fluff and get to the heart of the matter. It may be a
little challenging at first, and the more you practice, the better you
will get.
Life is what we choose to make of it, and often we must be willing to get over ourselves in order to get on with the business of truly living our lives.
For more than 20 years, Jenn Kaye, founder of Touch with Intention™ and Head-On Communications™ International, has helped individuals around the world to get over themselves and have more of what they really want in life. She has been has been seen and heard on NBC Radio, RealTime Moms, Babies First TV, and quoted in dozens of publications including Femina, India's leading women's magazine and The Inspiration Journal. For more information, visit www.TouchwithIntention.com or contact Jenn at (602) 403-3500.
Taking Your Own Advice…Even If It Is to Cluck Like a Chicken (May 2007)
I can hear the words pouring out of the speakers – astute advice that took the world by storm. Insights to life that resonate in a different way each time you listen. It was 10 years ago that Chicago Tribune writer Mary Schmich shared her varied ramblings that got sent around the world, attributed mistakenly to Kurt Vonnegut, who recently passed away, as a graduation speech he had given at MIT and then turned into a CD by Australian moviemaker Baz Luhrmann. It’s so good you’ll hardly recognize a decade has passed.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Wear Sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen has been proved by scientists, whereas
the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering
experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and the beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth
until they’ve faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall
in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how
fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be the things that never crossed
your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at four p.m. on some idle
Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts.
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste time on jealousy.
Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive.
Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters.
Throw away your old bank statements.
S-t-r-e-t-c-h.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do
with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t.
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken at your
75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself
either.
Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can.
Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest
instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people
most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold
on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older
you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will
philander, You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were
reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse.
But you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
- Mary Schmich,
Andrews McMeel Publishing
Have You Pruned The Branches Lately? (April 2007)
Just as the idea of spring cleaning is in the air, so too can we do a little refining of our own selves. Certified Professional Coach, Catherine Ross, of Start Now Coaching, shares a few exercises to maintain balance.
Our bi-monthly yard crew finally came last week after waiting two weeks longer than usual for them to show up. The warm spring weather meant it was time to trim off the dead branches from this winter’s atypical freezing temperatures. After spending all day cutting, shaping and clearing, I knew why they had taken so long to get here. Everyone’s yard needed extra attention this year and they had adjusted by cutting back on their regular maintenance schedule to fit us all in. Make room in your schedule for those things that need attention by using the “Wheel of Life.”
In coaching my clients, I’ve noticed that the attention we give to various roles in our lives tend to go in cycles too. Like the yard crew, we sometimes need to cut back in one area in order to refocus on a much neglected one. The truth about life/work balance is that we are always either moving towards it or away from it, but we rarely achieve it perfectly.
A powerful way to clarify what needs our attention is by evaluating how satisfied we currently are in regards to how we are spending our time, and then rating our satisfaction level on the “Wheel of Life” circle below. Once you’ve rated each role on a scale of 1-10 and connected the dots, you can quickly see what areas need attention. Now, you can target the areas that you would most like to spend more time in by committing to action steps. Here’s how it works.
Good luck with your own pruning. If you’d like to take this further, feel free to contact me at Ross@startnowcoach.com.
It's Never Too Late (March 2007)
If you can connect with who you are and the things that matter and move you, you’re likely to be more effective in the life you lead. Inspired Connections hopes to evolve programs and other offerings that help better connect with the person you see in the mirror every day.
We’d like to share insights and stories that help you consider this concept more fully. This month, we invite you to meet Joseph. With death at his doorstep, he has a very clear grasp of his “self.”
It’s never to late to be what you might have been. – George Eliot
“I’m dying of cancer.” There’s little doubt these few powerful words won’t stop us in our tracks to reflect on the person sharing the news. Immediately it makes us reflective, take stock of our own life and the people who matter in it. Joseph Feldman is making many of us do that right now. His life changed in a matter of days with a diagnosis and a dramatic re-engineering of what may be his final months gracing us with his presence.
You may not know Joseph. I don’t really know him that well either. But I know enough to know his impact has been great – greater than most if we can even possibly measure that, and he will be missed by many.
He’s been blogging about his major life change and
recently was interviewed by The
“When I'd asked him earlier about what's important in life, it reminded me of something that I'd been taught as a boy in Catholic school. When I was about 10, the mother of a classmate died. Our teacher, a nun, asked if we wanted to discuss the tragedy, and a girl in class asked why God allowed such things to happen. "He does so," the nun said, "in order to remind the rest of us of how good we have it." Which led me to ask, "OK, but then why do other really bad things keep happening?" "Because," I was told, "we keep forgetting."
Here is one of Joseph’s recent blogs that reminds us of our own important connections – the one with our heart, and the heart of those who matter:
Today is my birthday. I am 53 years old. I am also dying. This will be my last birthday. As a kid, I used to feel that my birthday was special because everyone eats chocolate on my day. As I got older I celebrated the fact that a lot of folks had sex on my birthday! What could I have ever been but a sex therapist, sex educator, and marriage counselor with a birthday like that! Today, a lot of people cried on my birthday.
But today is also the first day in perhaps 15 years that I am not taking medicine to lower my cholesterol, lower my blood pressure, or prevent heart attacks. “There is no point,” Dr. Schwartzberg said, “You won’t live long enough for it to matter.”
It’s now clear that Vicky and I probably cannot go to
I have a birthday cake, and I have eaten a piece, slowly and carefully. Last night, I ate a small frozen meal. It’s all about letting my body be my guide; I know something about this. As a therapist, my body has been my instrument. My feelings represent or inform me about my patients’ feelings. As a massage practitioner, I often feel or take on the symptoms my patients are experiencing. So, I know about listening to the subtle changes in my body. I can do this.
This morning, I awoke to the cell phone playing “Start Me Up,” by the Rolling Stones. The girls from my clinic all called and sang Happy Birthday to me through the speaker phone! I was so touched and happy. My sister sent a singing e-card with this message: “I get it. It’s a day to celebrate that you’re alive! I have loved you since the day you were born.” I talked to my mother-in-law for a while on the phone, trying to help her see why I will not pursue treatment. That was good.
Vicky gave me a birthday card, Valentine’s Day card, and some little presents. This made me cry, my first really good cry. I won’t be here for her next birthday. No more flowers from me. That makes me so sad. She will be a widow at 53, and my guess is that she will never re-marry. Too young. That will be her story.
This story, this journey, isn’t just mine, it’s yours too. Everyone’s. My friends’ stories will be about losing a friend suddenly to a horrible cancer. My sons will have the story of the way their father died. Such stories shape our lives. We tell and retell them as a way of defining who we are. As we change, our stories mature, too. My students will tell of an instructor they had once who looked fine in January but was dead by “whenever.” Vicky’s story will about the way her husband died. Today, for the first time, I can work up some real tears. One of the top three or four bad things about this cancer is the way it makes me inflict pain on people. I have tried my whole adult life to avoid doing so.
Yesterday, at the doctor’s, I learned that I had lost 5 lbs. Today, we went to the health food store and got protein powder for my drinks. At some point I will hit my ideal weight and we can take some pictures! Then I will continue to shrink. Then I will die. But for a few days, I’m gonna look great!
At
Rubi – “my daughter” - cried and cried and we hugged for a long time. I have only loved a few of the many, many women who have worked for me over years; though I have felt affectionately toward most of them. Rubi, I have loved as much as anyone. I gave her my keys, on the key chain that says “Keo” on it; my name in Hawaiian. To Erica, such a sweet girl, I gave this blessing: “Become that strong, confident, competent, smart, beautiful woman I see when I look at you.” My little Gaby, always the clown, so funny, cried the minute she saw me, and we hugged. Many good words were exchanged. Too many feelings and words to report them all.
We all took some pictures, and I gave the staff my last pep talk: “When you remember me, remember how hard I worked to make our clinic a safe place for women. Safety first. Remember that it’s easy to care for the nice women; it’s the witches and the toughies that need your love; they have no one but you.”
I waited around a few minutes, until he was free, so I could shake Dr. O’s hand and thank him for the process of cooperation we have established over the last year. We have worked together about 5 years, but he became our medical director in May 2006. He told me his wife runs a small hospice service, and told me to consider both he and Peggy as resources for anything we need.
After years of my mentoring and correction, and of me trying to inspire her to reach higher, Rubi – the best medical assistant I have ever worked with - finally accepted the position of Assistant Manager today. Shira – who I hired a couple of years ago to manage the Tempe clinic, and who is running my clinic in the interim – told me, in tears, that she will work hard to sustain the processes and values I have worked so hard to establish for 20 years. It was a sweet moment.
Mary Johns came by the house to bring me chocolate ice cream. Mary was a medical assistant in the center when I became the manager in 1991. I helped her become a team leader, an assistant manager, a center administrator. I know her children, she knows Vicky. When she was a young single mother, struggling to support her family on the low wages of an entry level position, Vicky and I helped her a little. We go way back. So we sat in the living room and talked, and laughed, and remembered. Her sister died of cancer recently, and Mary spent an excruciating six weeks caring for her. We talked about that.
I miss them all, and I miss the work, counseling the patients, assisting the doctors, placing the supply orders, signing off on their time sheets, and all the rest. Good-bye to that Good-bye to them. A sweet and final good-bye to all of it.
The evening was a time of tears. Sam called with birthday greetings, and told me his column in the Wildcat as going to be about me. While he was on the phone I opened my birthday card from Nick. Inside he had inscribed a note about what a great father I have been and how he is ready to take care of himself as an adult and will be okay without me. We all cried.
Today I heard from some former employees, and I called some people who have not yet heard about my journey. My dear friend Esther sent me a very touching note, and said “the world is a better place because you were in it.” This made me cry for very personal reasons. Making the world a better place is the only mission, belief, or certitude I have had about life from childhood. It was the only moral value my atheist parents passed along to me consciously and with great emphasis. The Jews are charged by God with being a nation of priests. Even Jews who don’t believe in God accept this work, to make the world a more just place. This has always struck me as a noble mission for an entire ethnic population to take on. I put down Esther’s note and looked up to the heavens and thought of my mother, who died at age 44 – 38 years ago. “Did I make you proud?” I asked, and the tears streamed down my face.
As sadness goes, it’s been quite a day. Vicky and I had a moment, too. We kissed and held each other and we both cried for no reason, and for all the reasons."
Joseph Feldman, M.A.Ed., L.P.C.
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